Stories From My Past - "A Fart and a Fiance"

Tom proposed to me 8 months after dating. The entire time we were dating, he kept asking me to fart in front of him. I wouldn't do it. Let it be known, that I grew up in a house where everyone (except my mom) thought bodily functions were the cats pajamas. But I really liked this guy, and I sure as heck didn't want to toot in front of him. I kept waiting for just the right moment. Is there a "right" moment to pass gas in front of such a hottie? Well, when he proposed it was really romantic. He told me we were going to some dance at his school, so I got one of my fancy pants dresses out and gussied up. To my surprise we drove up to his dads office. We went inside to a large meeting room, where he had gone to a lot of work. Rose petals, candles, a fancy dinner. It was awesome. I had a tiny inkling that I knew what was going on, but it was the day before my birthday so I figured it was probably for that. His best friend, Josh Egan, and his then girlfriend, were our waiters. Josh even drew a mustache on and talked in a french accent. After eating, Tom put on a CD he had made for me, and we danced to Ben Folds "The Luckiest". Then he got down on one knee and proposed. I started crying, he started crying, and it was magical. Good times had by all, ya'll. Later, after our "waiters" had gone, Tom and were embracing and staring into each others eyes and just basking in the moment. Then it happened. Without my approval, a small poof of gas escaped my being. At first I was relieved that it wasn't loud. And then....I smelled it. It was bad. I prayed Tom wouldn't notice. All of a sudden, Toms eyes lit up. His mouth grew into the biggest grin I've seen on him to this day. He stooped down, gazed into my eyes and whispered excitedly,"Did you just FART?!" "No! I, well....yes." I felt so sheepish. Out of all the nights for me to show him this side of me! Tom grabbed me in a huge bearhug and exclaimed,"I'm so proud of you! It smells so bad!" And that, my friends, is when I knew for sure, I had found my soulmate.

Stories From My Past- "You Have Grapes"

Once upon a time, when Tom and I were first married, I was constantly drugged up on stomach medication. I had recently had my gall bladder removed and was still having issues. One of my meds made me incredibly tired.

Now, I've always been a very vivid dreamer. I often fall asleep and don't know it because it's like I still have my eyes open. Everything looks the exact same. I have frequent sleep paralysis and wake up screaming from horrible nightmares. But those are different stories.

Anyways, I was laying on our bed and Tom was kneeling next to the bed as were talking. I fell asleep, but I had no idea because everything looked exactly the same, EXCEPT....Tom had a beautiful silver platter full of fat, juicy grapes. Purple grapes. My faves.

He was still talking, but in my excitement about the delicious fruit he was displaying, I interrupted him with an enthusiastic,"You have GRAPES?!"

He looked at me, confused. "What?"

"You have grapes!" I stated.

He looked at me like I was crazy, and laughed nervously. "Um...what are you talking about?"

And then I woke up, and to my disappointment, the grapes were gone.

I laughed, a bit embarassed. We were newlyweds after all, and I didn't want my husband finding out that he had married a Crazy-face McGoo. Not yet, anyways.

I told him what had happened, and after having a good laugh, Tom, being the awesome guy that he is, went to the fridge and got me some grapes.

They tasted awesome.

Stories From My Past- "A Cozy Hand Cave"

Once upon a time, my husband Tom and I were in a deep slumber. All of a sudden, I woke up to find Toms hand fluttering around my body as if trying to find something. I lay there in confusion, when Toms hand settled on my butt. It then promptly burrowed into a cozy spot right in between my butt cheeks.
My eyes popped out of my head in total surprise and I quickly pushed his hand away. "What are you doing?!" I exclaimed.
Tom replied groggily,"I need to find some juice......" and then fell back into a deep sleep.

Mmmmkay.....

stories from my past - a voice lost

Once upon a time, when I was in 9th grade, my english teacher, Mrs. Stevens, lost her voice for months. For no apparent reason. They doctors didn't know what was going on. As her voice got smaller and smaller, the less we listened. So out came the karaoke machine, and she would whisper the entire hour into the microphone. Poor lady!
One day we had an assembly, and as always the teachers were standing in the aisles next to their classes so as to reprimand anyone that was being disruptive.
This particular assembly I was sitting in the aisle seat and Mrs. Stevens was standing right beside me. To my horror, all of a sudden she started smacking her head and shaking it and gyrating about and flailing her arms. This lasted for a good 10 seconds, and then she just stopped, folder her hands in front of her, and proceeded to watch the program as if nothing had just happened.
I stared at her with my mouth open for what seemed an awkward amount of time, trying to figure out what had just happened. But she just gazed toward the front with a slight smile on her face, thoroughly enjoying the spectacular on the stage.
Later on in class I asked if she was okay, and she laughed (which sounded like she was just exhaling loudly over and over) and she informed me that a spider had dropped from the ceiling onto her head.
I have no idea if Mrs. Stevens voice ever came back, but I will always have her to thank for the hilarious image of her silhouette spazzing out in the dark auditorium of Butler Middle School.