8/11/15

My Mom is Dying and I'm Okay With It.

It doesn't make sense to me that the world is still spinning and the sun is still shining and people are out doing whatever they're doing. Right now I'm waiting for my mom to die. And it just really seems to me like everything and everybody needs to come to a halt, because it's not cool that birds are still chirping and stuff. The sky should be full of dark clouds and the birds should shut up and everythind should just STOP.  Do you guys have any idea what the world is losing? WHY ARE YOU STILL EATING THOSE CHIPS?! PUT THEM DOWN AND LISTEN.




Anyone that knows my mom, knows exactly what I'm talking about. Have you heard of the tallest man alive? The bearded lady? The woman with the biggest heart? Oh, that's my mom. (No, not the bearded lady.) Okay, that was lame but really. She literally shines, she is so pure and beautiful and loving. Everybody needs to be like her, because if everyone was like her all of the worlds problems would be solved. I'm not kidding. Everybody would be fed delicious meals from scratch, have beautiful hand sewn clothes, and a hug every hour on the hour.

At the age of 37 my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. And she's been fighting it as it's spread all over her body for the last 20 years. I have often wondered if my mom is the result of an affair my grandma had with Superman. Not only has she fought through countless cycles of cancer and treatments, but she's done it with no complaints and a smile on her face.

"Mom, how are you feeling today? I know that you just had a chemotherapy appointment, so basically they brought you to the brink of death and now you have sores in your mouth and you've lost all your hair and you're so tired all of the time and you feel like puking, but how are you?'

"Oh, I'm okay, just a little tired. How are you? What's going on in your life? I love you so much! What can I do for you?"

That's my mom. And in her just being her, she has been an inspiration to countless people. 

The crazy thing about your mom being given the "There's nothing more we can do for you" talk from her doctor after so many years, is that there is an undeniable sense of relief. "How heartless you are!" You say, shaking your fist in my direction. Well, sorry but it's true. We have watched my mom go through horrible pain and suffering over and over again. It comes to a point where you are so exhausted from watching someone you love go through that, and you just want them to be at PEACE, DAMMIT! (Now I'M shaking MY fist).


My mom even chatted with me about her funeral. She planned it all out and in the middle of talking stopped abruptly and said to me,"I'm sorry, I forget that I'm so at peace with all of this that maybe other people aren't." And when I told her that she shouldn't be worried about that, let us take care of it, she said,"Oh no, it's going to be hard enough for everyone, I don't want you to have to worry about planning my funeral." Are you kidding me? WHO DOES THAT. And honestly, I was fine talking to her about it. It was weird, yes, but I have felt very peaceful about her death. A couple weeks before she told me the final news, I had a sudden thought cross my mind out of nowhere. "Mom is going to die this year." I just knew it in my bones. 

 I don't want my mom to suffer anymore. Does it kill me that my 4 year old son won't remember his grandma? Does it kill me that I won't get to hug her tiny little body and watch her face light up the room as she laughs? Does it kill me that I won't get to watch her roll her eyes at my dad as he tells the same joke he's been telling for 30 years, but then watch as a smile sneaks across her lips because she absolutely adores him and he absolutely adores her? UGH. It's so hard to lose someone you love so much! It's so hard to think about the fact that I will NEVER SEE MY MOM AGAIN IN THIS LIFETIME. What is that about? Shitty is the only word I can think of, and it doesn't even begin to describe it. She just turned 57. That is so young! I want to be angry, but I can't find a place to be mad. I'm sad. I'm grateful that I was blessed with literally the most amazing mother in the entire universe. I'm grateful that I get to have so many amazing memories to pull up in my mind on my little tiny brain movie screen. What a miracle this life is. What a beautiful thing, to share it with so many diverse, complicated amazing people that teach us lessons and annoy us and make us love them so much that we want to squeeze the poop out of them and we get to share our LIVES with each other! No matter how short your time is with someone, that person is in your life because they are meant to be. Learn what you can from them, love them no matter their flaws, build them up, hug them, argue with them, and laugh with them. Because as cliche as it sounds, at the end of the day, the only thing we're going to care about on OUR death bed, is the people we shared our lives with and how we loved them.


To see my photo series on my moms cancer, go here.
To read why I shaved my head, go here


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