10/17/09

I'm too sexy for those diet books

I wrote a journal entry today. The feelings I expressed are something I would like to share.

I love reading about fitness and nutrition. I love feeling and looking my best. But its been a battle and an unhealthy one most of the time. I've never been overweight, but somehow I find myself tearing myself down on a daily basis, no matter what the scale says, wether its 104 (ya, I know) or 120 (according to the scale two days ago. HELLO. Healthy weight right? Not according to my inner demon)
I always find something that I hate about my body. And you know what? I'm tired of it. I'm tired of worrying about everything that goes in my mouth. I'm tired of getting out of the shower and grimacing at what I see in the mirror. I'm tired of saying "I'm fat" to my husband who rolls his eyes or gets angry with me for degrading myself. Seriously. I'm one of those girls, and it's not cool.

I have decided to look at it in a different light. The church teaches us that our bodies are a temple. And not one that everybody gets to look at. It's not a showroom for every person to scrutinize and judge. It is my body, and it is sacred.

My arms, that get to carry and hold my child, and my future children.
My legs, that make it possible for me to walk, run, skip, jump, dance, do cartwheels.
My face, that can cover a huge arrange of emotions, that tell my husband if I'm sad and I need a hug, that tell my daughter I'm upset and she needs to stop unrolling the toilet paper, that can make a funny face and make someone laugh. My stomach, that holds LIFE, for crying out loud. Its my biggest complaint spot, and yet I'm able to grow life inside of it! How ungrateful of me, how ungrateful of all of us. Seriously! What I can do with my body is as cool as something you'd see in a science fiction movie. My body creates life, and gives birth to life. Amazing. And I have the gall to pout about my poochy stomach and my flabby arms, blah blah blah.

Today I looked in the mirror and I started to study every inch of skin, and was about to make a face at my stomach when I stopped and looked at myself in the mirror. I told myself "That is a beautiful face. This is a body that Heavenly Father finds beautiful, that my husband finds irresistible, that my daughter can count on to snuggle up to. I'm so grateful."

And it felt good. It felt good not to yell at myself. I think we are so mean to ourselves!
"You're such a bad mom. You didn't give Mae a bath today"
"Gosh, I can't believe you didn't work out all week. You're such a hippo"
In the famous words of Stephanie from Full House: "How rude!" I would never talk to my friends or family or ANYONE for that matter that way.

I have been trying to teach myself to look at those things in a different way, the way God would want us to look at it. Instead of worrying about all of the foods I SHOULD'NT eat, I'm thinking of all the foods I CAN eat. The foods that fuel my body, that ward of disease and cancer, that enable me to just function each day. I have been so ungrateful and so vain.
I love my body, and I'm forever grateful for the miracle that it is.
I love that I have a fridge with food in it, that I never go hungry.

So from now on, instead of cursing the roll that is hanging over my stomach, I will blow it a kiss and thank it for existing.
Thanks, muffin top. You gave me the best little girl in the world.
Thanks chocolate chip cookies. You were yummy!
Thanks, carrots. You are crunchy and delicious and so good for my body.
I'm just happy to be alive!
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