Funerals: The Ultimate Awkward Experience

"These are just awkward...." he said with a goofy half smile. My family and I were lined up to the left of my moms open casket, greeting friends and family as they paid their respects. I started laughing and replied,"I know! What do you say at this kind of thing?" Thank you, man-from-my-parents-church-I-don't-know-from-Adam. You had the guts to say what everybody else is thinking.

Funerals ARE awkward and sad and awful and beautiful and surreal. It felt like a dream and a nightmare all at once.

When we got to the church to set up before the viewing started, I walked in, saw my moms lifeless face, and lost it. I was with her when she died and saw her body taken away. I knew what my mom looked like dead. But seeing her in the coffin, her face done up and all plastic like...just hours before we would lay her body six feet under forever. It's really one of the worst feelings ever. Before I could stop them, the tears started flowing (A regular occurrence these days. Checking out at the store, crying. Dropping my kids off at school, crying. Flipping burgers at McDonalds, crying. Just kidding on that last one. As if.)

 After my sweet husband held me while the tears-a-flowed, I dried my face, touched up my lipstick ("Faded" by Lime Crime, if you must know) and took my place in line. Family I hadn't seen in years came from out of state. It was like the family reunion we had been trying to plan for years with no success. Leave it to mom to get us all together. 

As I greeted all of these amazing, beautiful people, we said the same awkward phrases over and over. Most definitely heartfelt, but awkward all the same: 

"I'm so sorry for your loss." 

"She's in a better place."

"She's no longer in pain." Etc.

What can you say to someone who just lost one of the most important and wonderful people in their life? Not much. And that's why I really appreciated this dudes comment.... "These things are just awkward."  Amen, brother.

The viewing was followed by a really incredible service. There was a lot of laughter and a lot of tears. I was on the program to speak. I tried to write something out but it just wasn't working, so I got up and winged it. I don't remember much about what I said, just that I talked about the greatest lesson I learned from my mom was unconditional love (which was basically the theme of everyone elses talk too) and told a funny story about one of my favorite things she used to do: She would ask if you wanted some food, and if you said,"Sure, just a little bit." Then she would literally bring over just a little bit. One cheerio with a drip of milk in a HUGE mixing bowl, giggling as she brought it over than cracking up when she saw your reaction. MOM I MISS YOU SO MUCH YOU WERE SO CUTE AND FUNNY AND I LOVE YOU.

Anyways.

I was surprised at the burial. Did you know you don't actually get to see the casket go into the ground? You have a dedication of the grave, cry a lot...then stand around and chat. Slowly everyone starts making their way back to the church for a hearty meal of funeral potatoes and brownies. But the casket just hangs out with some funeral dudes watching over it and then they bury it later. I didn't like that. It felt strange not to be part of finalizing it.

A few days passed and I went to see my moms grave yesterday. They had a temporary marker on the grave with her obituary until we get a headstone placed. They had the years wrong. August 9, 2015 - August 12, 2015. I guess my mom was only 3 days old. Don't worry. I marched back to my car, got a pen, and fixed it. Victory. At least I've done something good in my life, right?

I sat on top of the grave in the freshly turned dirt and cried. I hated that her body was underground, all alone. I don't know a world without my mom. We have psychically existed together since the second I was conceived. (Only four weeks after she gave birth to my sister, I might add. This just goes to show how much my parents liked each other.) And while I understand the concept "she's not her body" and I get that her spirit is soaring around and I've felt her with me, guess what? That doesn't bring a whole lot of comfort at times. Let's be honest about something: No matter how much you believe in an afterlife, it still SUCKS ASS (sorry mom) to lose their physical presence. Saying "it's just a body" is not true. That very body encompassed my moms soul so it was a HUGE part of my experience with her. She carried and gave birth to me (3 weeks late too. Sorry again mom. You know me, always keeping everybody on their toes!)  Those arms wrapped around me thousands of times. Those hands wiped tears away, rubbed my back when I was sick, made my kick ass Halloween costumes, prom dresses, the best peach cobbler in the world, and the most incredible tole paintings the world has ever seen! That face expressed every emotion: sadness when I went through heartbreak, concern when I was sick with stomach issues, anger when I was being a poophead (which was a lot) absolute love and adoration, annoyance, a smile that lit up a room! Those same curly toes we shared, hers from ballet mine from gymnastics (and also...genes and stuff). That infectious laughter followed by "ohhhhh shooot!" My moms body is not just a body. It's no longer up and walking around and hanging out at her house for me to go hug today. I can't go ever and sit at her counter and chat with her about things she really doesn't care about but pretends to be because she's sweet like that.

Her body was a beautiful vessel for her spirit to hang out in while she played her role on this earth, and she did an amazing job.  So while yes, I understand the concept that she is still here with us in spirit, I want her body back. GOSH DARNIT. (That was for you, mom. I know you hated the swears.)

At her grave, I had a whispered conversation with her, telling her how much I missed her, how much I loved her. A sudden warm breeze washed over me, swirled around the flowers on her grave, then was gone. Hi mom. Please keep showing up, please keep giving me wind hugs, please keep wrapping your soul around my heart, because I can feel it and it brings me so much comfort during this time. Please never stop being with me. Because as time passes without you, I don't want to ever get used to you not being around. As a dear friend said to me at the funeral, it's not one week farther from her death, but one week closer to seeing her again. But she said it all poetic like and stuff. Ah, perspective. It makes any situation that appears hopeless and awful to hopeful and bright.

As I walked away from my moms grave, I felt so sad leaving her alone, so deep down and in the blackness. It broke my heart. But this is where the "she's not her body" concept IS a comfort. Because as I walked away, I knew she was walking with me. And she will always walk with me.

And Then She Was Free

Dear mom,
You are gone. I wrote a few days ago about how I was ready to let you go, how much I wanted you to be out of misery. Being with you, holding your hand as you took your last breath, is something that was profoundly beautiful and absolutely devastating. Isn't it interesting, how we are able to feel so many opposing emotions at one time?

The last few days have been nothing short of the wildest roller coaster of feelings I've ever been on. Those times we gathered around your bed, thinking this was it, this was the end. Listening to your labored breath, watching the rise and fall of your chest, our hands on your thin frame, hot tears rolling down our cheeks. And then your breath would return to normal, and we would look at each other and smile and shake our heads at your will to live. Conversation would resume, we would joke, cry, eat. We would take turns laying next to you, stroking your hair and face. And we would wait.

I wondered what was going on in your mind. If your soul was floating in and out of your body, not quite sure if you could leave your family just yet, but the other side looking so inviting with loved ones waiting and permanent freedom from pain and sickness. Or maybe it was just darkness, our voices fading in and out of your conscious.

Many times I took your hand in mine or lay my hand on your heart, feeling the exhausted beat. I would try to tune into your soul, to tell you we loved you, it was okay to go, we would be alright. I felt you push back, "No, I'm not ready yet." I would kiss your soft cheek and whisper in your ear that it was me and tell you I loved you. I hope you heard. I hope you felt my heart expand out to reach yours. I think you did.

The last hour of your life you struggled to breathe through the fluid that was gathering in your lungs. That was so hard to hear and not be able to do anything about. Each exhale was a moan, almost like a plea to please let it end. We gathered around your bed, our hands piled on top of yours. Aunt Kim cradled your head and told you it was time, to please let go, we couldn't stand to see you in misery any longer, we would be okay. I believe you felt it through our skin, in our souls, that we loved you so much, that we wanted you to be at peace. Your breathing slowed, your body still taking in every bit of air it could. And with your last breath, I felt you leave. With your last breath, your physical body was a shell of my beautiful mother. Those arms would never again wrap around me in a warm embrace. Those eyes would never again twinkle or dance with laughter.

I had some time alone with you. It was odd, to kiss your forehead and hold you and tell you my final goodbye, unable to wrap my brain around the fact that you were no longer in there anymore. I wanted to reach out and grab your soul and stick it back in your body. It was the most helpless feeling I have ever experienced. I have never felt so vulnerable and small in this vast universe.

When I got home, Jarrod and I lay out on the trampoline. You picked the perfect night to go, mom. A meteor shower? You think of everything. I cried as I watched shooting stars cross the sky. Jarrod said,"She's dancing up there." And I believe you are.

My Mom is Dying and I'm Okay With It
Why I Shaved My Head
My photo series of my moms journey

My Mom is Dying and I'm Okay With It.

It doesn't make sense to me that the world is still spinning and the sun is still shining and people are out doing whatever they're doing. Right now I'm waiting for my mom to die. And it just really seems to me like everything and everybody needs to come to a halt, because it's not cool that birds are still chirping and stuff. The sky should be full of dark clouds and the birds should shut up and everythind should just STOP.  Do you guys have any idea what the world is losing? WHY ARE YOU STILL EATING THOSE CHIPS?! PUT THEM DOWN AND LISTEN.

Anyone that knows my mom, knows exactly what I'm talking about. Have you heard of the tallest man alive? The bearded lady? The woman with the biggest heart? Oh, that's my mom. (No, not the bearded lady.) Okay, that was lame but really. She literally shines, she is so pure and beautiful and loving. Everybody needs to be like her, because if everyone was like her all of the worlds problems would be solved. I'm not kidding. Everybody would be fed delicious meals from scratch, have beautiful hand sewn clothes, and a hug every hour on the hour.

At the age of 37 my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. And she's been fighting it as it's spread all over her body for the last 20 years. I have often wondered if my mom is the result of an affair my grandma had with Superman. Not only has she fought through countless cycles of cancer and treatments, but she's done it with no complaints and a smile on her face.

"Mom, how are you feeling today? I know that you just had a chemotherapy appointment, so basically they brought you to the brink of death and now you have sores in your mouth and you've lost all your hair and you're so tired all of the time and you feel like puking, but how are you?'

"Oh, I'm okay, just a little tired. How are you? What's going on in your life? I love you so much! What can I do for you?"

That's my mom. And in her just being her, she has been an inspiration to countless people. 

The crazy thing about your mom being given the "There's nothing more we can do for you" talk from her doctor after so many years, is that there is an undeniable sense of relief. "How heartless you are!" You say, shaking your fist in my direction. Well, sorry but it's true. We have watched my mom go through horrible pain and suffering over and over again. It comes to a point where you are so exhausted from watching someone you love go through that, and you just want them to be at PEACE, DAMMIT! (Now I'M shaking MY fist).

My mom even chatted with me about her funeral. She planned it all out and in the middle of talking stopped abruptly and said to me,"I'm sorry, I forget that I'm so at peace with all of this that maybe other people aren't." And when I told her that she shouldn't be worried about that, let us take care of it, she said,"Oh no, it's going to be hard enough for everyone, I don't want you to have to worry about planning my funeral." Are you kidding me? WHO DOES THAT. And honestly, I was fine talking to her about it. It was weird, yes, but I have felt very peaceful about her death. A couple weeks before she told me the final news, I had a sudden thought cross my mind out of nowhere. "Mom is going to die this year." I just knew it in my bones. 

 I don't want my mom to suffer anymore. Does it kill me that my 4 year old son won't remember his grandma? Does it kill me that I won't get to hug her tiny little body and watch her face light up the room as she laughs? Does it kill me that I won't get to watch her roll her eyes at my dad as he tells the same joke he's been telling for 30 years, but then watch as a smile sneaks across her lips because she absolutely adores him and he absolutely adores her? UGH. It's so hard to lose someone you love so much! It's so hard to think about the fact that I will NEVER SEE MY MOM AGAIN IN THIS LIFETIME. What is that about? Shitty is the only word I can think of, and it doesn't even begin to describe it. She just turned 57. That is so young! I want to be angry, but I can't find a place to be mad. I'm sad. I'm grateful that I was blessed with literally the most amazing mother in the entire universe. I'm grateful that I get to have so many amazing memories to pull up in my mind on my little tiny brain movie screen. What a miracle this life is. What a beautiful thing, to share it with so many diverse, complicated amazing people that teach us lessons and annoy us and make us love them so much that we want to squeeze the poop out of them and we get to share our LIVES with each other! No matter how short your time is with someone, that person is in your life because they are meant to be. Learn what you can from them, love them no matter their flaws, build them up, hug them, argue with them, and laugh with them. Because as cliche as it sounds, at the end of the day, the only thing we're going to care about on OUR death bed, is the people we shared our lives with and how we loved them.


To see my photo series on my moms cancer, go here.
To read why I shaved my head, go here. 

HOT PINK HAIR! Happy Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!

Been dye-ing (ha ha! GET IT?!) to do this for a LONG time. It looks really red in the pictures, but its actually more of a hot pink. I. LOVE. IT!!!!
In honor of my mom, who has been fighting cancer over a span of 17 years. It started out as breast cancer. Make sure you check your boobies every month, ladies! (AND gentlemen...yup. You can get it too.)

Cancer Sucks

I can never post this enough. My mom has been battling cancer for 17 years. During one of her bouts I photographed her experience. Love her so much.

an amazing woman

About 4-5 years ago I documented one of my moms many bouts with cancer. She is amazing!

I would love to do this for other cancer patients. Does that sounds weird? I just would love to do it. I dunno. Maybe do their makeup, take some awesome pictures, do some silly shots.....just something to lift their spirits.

lets save some boobs

buy a print and get a second entry to my giveaway coming up this week for a free copy of digital scrapbooking software from mymemories.com!

link to this post, and receive a third entry!

see how many great things you'll be doing at once?

 helping save boobs, getting some rad art, and maybe winning a giveaway! this is the cats meow, baby!

or you can just do all that just to be nice if you're not interested in getting a free copy of mymemories.com software :)

help needed :) please

okay, its only a couple of days so i will take my chances, hoping my mom or dad doesn't see this. they probably will.
i am holding an online auction for my mom. if you are interested in donating an item or service please contact me ASAP!

if you would like to bid on an item, the auction starts December 11th at 12am MST and ends December 14th at 12am MST.

OR, if you would like to just donate monetarily, that option is also available.

please take a look and spread the word!

go HERE!!!
thank you!

-----
melissa mae

thas RIGHT

for FHE tonight, we decided to draw some pictures. Here is mine:

::keep fighting like HELL, mom::

yes, the cancer has increased. again.

yes, we would love it if you kept her in your prayers.

yes, she is a fighter.

{we love you, mom}

I have extended the giveaway deadline until Monday morning, so spread the word!

In other news: I had my first mammogram today. Since my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 37 (and beat it seven {right mom?} times since then), they recommend you start getting mammograms 15 years earlier then your relative. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Uncomfortable, but not painful. I think that is largely due to the fact that I don't really have much to squish down, thanks to genes and post-baby floppiness. Everything turned out normal. I also had the BRCA gene test done, and I have no genetic mutation, which was a huge relief, but my risk is still higher than normal since breast cancer runs in my family. I still have to be extra careful. SO, ladies, do your self-exams religiously and take care of yourselves!

locks of love

I'm a little obsessed with changing my hair. I've had it short for about two years now, and I've been wondering what to do with it. Grow it out, keep it short, somewhere in between? My little sister has been growing her hair out, and it looks really good on her. I told her this, and she said she's growing it out to donate to Locks of Love. My mom did this before she started chemo last year, and I thought: "there's my answer!" 

I'm growing my hair out until it's long enough to donate (ten inches) and then I'll chop it off and send it in. Yay for helping those in need!

Locks of Love

Save 2nd Base, Fighting Breast Cancer With Humor

Save 2nd Base, Fighting Breast Cancer With Humor
Look what I found!

Mommy

My mom got her bone scan results on Wednesday. The results were not a death sentence, but they weren't the best, either.
The cancer has spread in her hip bone, making the bones very weak. The doctor is afraid of her breaking her hip, so she will do radiation treatments for two weeks, and then begin taking a chemo pill, four in the morning, and four at night. She will do this for two weeks, then take a week off, then two more weeks, and keep doing this until they lose their effectiveness. Her doctor has said that he has seen patients go two years with these pills working for them, so there is hope there.
My mom, as always has an amazing attitude. As we were talking on the phone about this news, she was expressing her faith in our Heavenly Father, that she has faith that whatever He has in store for her is what is best, whatever that may be. I can't remember all that she said, but all I could say to her was, "I'm proud of you mommy". I wanted to say so much more, but I've always had a rough time expressing myself in words. So mom, if you're reading this, you are my hero. Words cannot express how much I love you and look up to you. You are the most amazing mother a girl could have, and I hope to become half the women you are one day. I love you, and I'm so grateful for the time we have together, however long it may be!

Photography Book for SALE

My latest project: a book featuring my photography of my mom. To purchase, go here. To see a preview, go here.

Featured Giveaway

I have been asked by Misty of Rainy Day in May, to be the featured giveaway on her blog tomorrow. (Thursday, Oct 3rd) for Breast Cancer month.
I am giving away one of these, and these, as well as telling my story about how breast cancer has affected my life.
Please take a look!

Going Pink

Tomorrow I'm going PINK for Breast Cancer Awareness Month (october). So make sure to visit for "Breast Cancer Sucks" shop updates, giveaways, donation opportunities, and more!

Remember this amazing lady?

I posted this a couple of months back. This is a slideshow of my wonderful, amazing mother who has dealt with breast cancer off and on in the last twelve years. I took these photographs during her third round.
She finished her treatments for her third round a couple of months ago and was on the up and up, but just two weeks ago, more growths and tumors have been discovered in her hip, leg, pelvic bone, spine, and skull. They started her on chemotherapy right away, and she's not feeling too good. :(
So please, keep her in your prayers, put her name on the temple prayer roll, etc.
If you would like to help out in any way, please contact me. You can also donate funds through paypal to "helpjennyfight@gmail.com"

Thanks to everyone for their support and prayers.

Relay for Life

Its been awhile! I have a lot to post, but for now I will just announce that I will be taking part in "Relay for Life" at Butler Park. I will have a booth there with all my schtuff+some of my families goods. Things I'm selling? Well, breast cancer themed stuff (of course) including some fun cards and t-shirts, and also the usual. (handmade journals, albums, etc.) It'll be a plethora of goodness.
I have felt so guilty, the last couple of days. I've stuck Mae in front of the TV in order to keep her busy while I get it all ready. She plays with her toys, reads, and colors, but when she gets sick of that, in goes "Curious George" or "Meet the Robinsons". Oh well. At least I don't do it EVERY DAY! Its only temporary (keep repeating, keep reapeating)
Here is a card I just designed for the "Breast Cancer Sucks!" line I started last year.


I think its important to have a sense of humor when it comes to hard times. It keeps things in perspective for me.

The Battle Against Breast Cancer

With camera in hand, I followed my mother through her third round of breast cancer within the last 12 years. This last bout is in her lungs and her bones. She has struggled and fought her way through chemo and radiation, and is just getting her strength back. She is a true hero, a fighter, and an inspiration to me. Never have I heard a word of complaint from her mouth, regardless of how much she has been through. .

These photos represent what a woman should be. Strong, confident, full of faith, hope, and ready to take on any challenge. My mom is that woman. She was first diagnosed with breast cancer 12 years ago, at the age of 37. The cancer has attacked twice more since. She has come through with flying colors, when she wasn't expected to. She is the strongest women I know and is an inspiration to everyone around her.

The slideshow goes as follows:
1-"Before Treatment" with my daughter, Mae
2-My mom was tired of her hair falling out, so she had my little sister shave her head
3-Artistic shots
4-Salt Lake City, UT LDS temple
5-Chemotheraphy
6-Radiation
7-Final shot is my favorite of all, so I saved it for last

I apologize for the small size of the slide show. I'm still trying to figure out how to make it bigger. You might want to go to the bottom of the page and turn off the music, because the slide show includes its own soundtrack.
Thanks for looking :)

Sad Saturday

I totally missed the Race for the Cure today. I've had the stomach flu the last two days, and I'm just barely feeling better. I am really sad :( 

I would like to publically thank my pal, Melissa Jensen, for signing up for the race with me, and always asking how my mom is. She is a wonderful friend! I'm sad we didn't get to run together and yell "Schave the Boobsch!", but I'm looking forward to it next year!